Hi guys. I wrote this originally in 2013, around January.. it was mostly a letter to myself. i thought about posting it but i think at the time it was too fresh. My mother has three sisters. After this aunt my mother lost two more. The last one around two weeks ago. So i think I'm going to post it whilst i still have the courage or it will probably stay in my drafts forever. I don't know if you will get anything from it, but even it it helps a little, or if you can relate, that's more than enough.
today i want to talk about a bit of a sad topic. I'm talking about loss. how does one deal with it? is there a way to prepare yourself if the loved one has been suffering for a while and you know the inevitable could happen at any moment? but what if it was sudden, hard, and every other angry word you can think of. how exactly do you cope?
i'm here to tell you that there really isn't just one particular way. you see, in life some of us follow a strict set of rules, a guidebook of sorts that gives some of us comfort and meaning. and some of us live life in the moment, but with loss there is no book telling you how to deal with it or prepare yourself, there is no list, and there are no clear instructions. the truth is that when it happens you will just know.
but it's so important to know that there is no wrong or right way to deal with loss or go about it. i lost someone recently, and she had been suffering for a long time. many around me told me that she was in a better place now, that her suffering had finally ended. i understood that. but i wasn't ready for her to go, i didn't want her to go. and as selfish as it made me feel i wished that i could have had more time with her. in the last few years of life she lost the ability to speak or eat. so a part of me will always regret not knowing her as much as i wanted to before she became so ill. that is something, I suppose, that i must live with.
the truth is that this was the first loss in our family that i actually felt. i never saw and never knew my mother's mother and my father's father. i saw my fathers mother twice in my life and never really had a good conversation with her or my mother's father as I was too young when they passed away to really be able to appreciate relationships in that point of time.. so their passing never really stirred anything in me. but my mother's sister, now hers I felt. i bathed her dead body (something that even now i really don't know how i did looking back) but i think times bring out your best and worst and in that moment i wanted to be there for her as much as possible. i know that she would have wanted me there. but here's another truth. if i felt that i couldn't go through with it, that would have been OK too. because either way my love for her would have been the same.
my point is that when we experience the loss of a loved one don't be too hard on yourself if you don't do things the way you or certain people expect you to do. it's OK to be alone for a while, to grieve alone. there's nothing wrong with that.
visiting our loved ones is also something i want to quickly touch on. personally, i find that visiting my aunt gives me peace. it's like saying hello and checking up on her. my thing is taking some flowers and writing a little note every time i visit and placing it on her grave, which will normally just include me saying hello and telling her some things related to that day. in this weird way, it makes me feel connected to her more than ever.
i'm going to tell you a story about a boy during my high school days. i didn't like him and he didn't like me. i honestly have no idea why apart from the fact that we were very young and silly. and then one day i came into school and found out that he had passed away. i thought it was some kind of sick joke. I mean, he had just been in my business studies class the day before. but there you have it. the unfairness of life. It took me a couple of years but I finally visited his grave. i wrote him a letter and said some words and i walked away feeling peace and a bit better. all those years i always felt a bit uneasy. Like there were some unspoken words that needed to be said. i think 'sorry' was the main thing. so when I visited my aunt recently i went to visit him for the second time (i found his grave just as i was about to give up searching for it.). there were birthday balloons around his grave which made me smile and it felt like saying hello for the second time. it made me think what he would think, that out of all his mates and family it was the stubborn girl who was couldn't stand boys that came to visit. i think it would amuse him - in a good way. :)
but here's the thing. i know people who find it too painful to visit loved ones, or some who don't feel the need because they feel they are ultimately gone. and again, i'm here to tell you that there is no particular rule to this either. every single person deals, with this too, differently. and that's absolutely and totally fine. i just want to say that i really hope that people don't feel sad or guilty for not visiting, or for feeling a certain way during a loss of a loved one. that would really bother me. because i believe they understand. i think them understanding how you feel is enough.
today i want to talk about a bit of a sad topic. I'm talking about loss. how does one deal with it? is there a way to prepare yourself if the loved one has been suffering for a while and you know the inevitable could happen at any moment? but what if it was sudden, hard, and every other angry word you can think of. how exactly do you cope?
i'm here to tell you that there really isn't just one particular way. you see, in life some of us follow a strict set of rules, a guidebook of sorts that gives some of us comfort and meaning. and some of us live life in the moment, but with loss there is no book telling you how to deal with it or prepare yourself, there is no list, and there are no clear instructions. the truth is that when it happens you will just know.
but it's so important to know that there is no wrong or right way to deal with loss or go about it. i lost someone recently, and she had been suffering for a long time. many around me told me that she was in a better place now, that her suffering had finally ended. i understood that. but i wasn't ready for her to go, i didn't want her to go. and as selfish as it made me feel i wished that i could have had more time with her. in the last few years of life she lost the ability to speak or eat. so a part of me will always regret not knowing her as much as i wanted to before she became so ill. that is something, I suppose, that i must live with.
the truth is that this was the first loss in our family that i actually felt. i never saw and never knew my mother's mother and my father's father. i saw my fathers mother twice in my life and never really had a good conversation with her or my mother's father as I was too young when they passed away to really be able to appreciate relationships in that point of time.. so their passing never really stirred anything in me. but my mother's sister, now hers I felt. i bathed her dead body (something that even now i really don't know how i did looking back) but i think times bring out your best and worst and in that moment i wanted to be there for her as much as possible. i know that she would have wanted me there. but here's another truth. if i felt that i couldn't go through with it, that would have been OK too. because either way my love for her would have been the same.
my point is that when we experience the loss of a loved one don't be too hard on yourself if you don't do things the way you or certain people expect you to do. it's OK to be alone for a while, to grieve alone. there's nothing wrong with that.
visiting our loved ones is also something i want to quickly touch on. personally, i find that visiting my aunt gives me peace. it's like saying hello and checking up on her. my thing is taking some flowers and writing a little note every time i visit and placing it on her grave, which will normally just include me saying hello and telling her some things related to that day. in this weird way, it makes me feel connected to her more than ever.
i'm going to tell you a story about a boy during my high school days. i didn't like him and he didn't like me. i honestly have no idea why apart from the fact that we were very young and silly. and then one day i came into school and found out that he had passed away. i thought it was some kind of sick joke. I mean, he had just been in my business studies class the day before. but there you have it. the unfairness of life. It took me a couple of years but I finally visited his grave. i wrote him a letter and said some words and i walked away feeling peace and a bit better. all those years i always felt a bit uneasy. Like there were some unspoken words that needed to be said. i think 'sorry' was the main thing. so when I visited my aunt recently i went to visit him for the second time (i found his grave just as i was about to give up searching for it.). there were birthday balloons around his grave which made me smile and it felt like saying hello for the second time. it made me think what he would think, that out of all his mates and family it was the stubborn girl who was couldn't stand boys that came to visit. i think it would amuse him - in a good way. :)
but here's the thing. i know people who find it too painful to visit loved ones, or some who don't feel the need because they feel they are ultimately gone. and again, i'm here to tell you that there is no particular rule to this either. every single person deals, with this too, differently. and that's absolutely and totally fine. i just want to say that i really hope that people don't feel sad or guilty for not visiting, or for feeling a certain way during a loss of a loved one. that would really bother me. because i believe they understand. i think them understanding how you feel is enough.
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